Maybe this year will be better
by coffeevixen84
Summary: Angsty piece about Hyde and his take on the new year.
1. Chapter 1

_**Maybe this year will be better…**_

Author's Note: I haven't abandoned any stories, so please don't give up if you read any of my others, but I got this idea today and wanted to get it out and uploaded before I lost it. As always, I live and breathe for feedback, and I sincerely hope you enjoy this. This story was inspired by the song _Long December_ by the Counting Crows, and takes place at the time of the finale. I personally don't think it's out of character for Hyde, but if you disagree and want me to stop, let me know.

Disclaimer: The show isn't mine. The song isn't mine. Damn, I'm batting zero today.

**_A long December and there's reason to believe  
Maybe this year will be better than the last  
I can't remember the last thing you said as you were leavin'  
Now the days go by so fast_**

Steven Hyde sat still and quiet, giving the appearance of being legitimately interested in whatever predictable plot line was flickering across the television screen. In the craziness of the holidays, the plan to move (and then not move), the imminent drama of Eric's return, and the usual commotion of people whining throughout the Forman household (most of whom didn't even live there), this brief moment of solitude was a welcome reprieve. He was tired. Exhausted, really. He personally preferred to have nothing on his mind; no concerns and no worries. But he felt as if his mind had been going constantly lately. The idea of leaving the only home he'd ever known had not been a pleasant one. The idea of losing the store, the only thing he'd really ever worked at in his life, had put an unexpected strain on him. And well, this Jackie and Fez thing made his skin crawl. Not that he'd admit that. Ever. But all of these recent pressures had weighed heavily on his usually-zen shoulders, and been the fitting end to a remarkably crappy year.

In his darkest internal recesses only would he admit, the crappiness had of course started the day Jackie announced her ultimatum. And while his reluctance then had been based largely on his feeling that the future was far away and his intention to keep it that way, in the last few weeks alone he'd felt tomorrow and the rest of his life descending upon him at an astonishing rate.

And thus, life was much more complex than Steven Hyde would have liked it. Much more complex. And lonely.

**_And it's one more day up in the canyons  
And it's one more night in Hollywood  
If you think that I could be forgiven... I wish you would_**

The loneliness wasn't new to him. He'd been lonely most of his childhood, save the moments spent with Kelso and Forman and Donna. And he'd been especially lonely before Jackie infiltrated his life a few years back. But in all honesty, he'd been his loneliest this past year. Even with Sam around. They'd been comfortable enough, but she didn't really know him. Didn't get what his eyes were saying when his voice remained silent, didn't understand that he could mean alot when he said very little. And then, when even she left, he felt the full force of Eric's retreat to Africa, Kelso's departure to Chicago, Jackie's distance, Donna's interalizing. And he felt it more harshly as he believed it was in large part a result of his own mistakes.

All coming back to the girl he'd hurt. With false assumptions and wrongful accusations.

And somehow he felt if she could just look at him without the layers of hurt and ease up on all the space she'd put between them, everything else would hurt a little less.

**_The smell of hospitals in winter  
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls  
All at once you look across a crowded room  
To see the way that light attaches to a girl_**

Then he'd heard the footsteps of his surrogate family filling the Forman living room. Breathing heavily in preparation, he made his way upstairs. He blended in easily to the pace of the party, cracking open a beer and passing them out to the others. He took note of the apprehension hanging like a thick veil in front of Donna's blue eyes. He smiled at the comic relief Kelso contributed so effortlessly, so unknowingly. But he'd be lying if he suggested his attention to any other feature of the party even compared to the pull of a petite brunette. His eyes found her like metal to a magnet. She was oblivious to his stare, to his feelings, to the way she herself seemed to glow.

He watched as she stood on the stairs, body leaning into Fez's like it had towards his own countless times. He watched, and felt the fatigue wash over him all over again.

**_And it's one more day up in the canyons  
And it's one more night in Hollywood  
If you think you might come to California... I think you should_**

**_Drove up to the Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.  
And talked a little while about the year  
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,  
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her_**

The party had died down. Eric was back. Kelso was back. And they had all laughed and joked and burned as if nothing had changed, as if they weren't all different people than they'd been the year before. But they knew it wasn't true.

After everyone else went their separate ways, he sat with Eric on that basement couch and talked. About Africa and Donna. About Jackie and Sam. About tomorrow.

And it was all the great Steven Hyde could do to keep from crying.

**_And it's been a long December and there's no reason to believe  
Maybe this year will be better that the last  
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself  
To hold on to these moments as they pass_**

Steven Hyde lay still and quiet, staring intently into the dark. He wanted to say he believed that things would look up again, that tomorrow would be the start of something new, and ultimately, something better. But that wasn't the case. And he had little to no sincerity in his voice as he whispered to the night, "Maybe this year will be better..."

**_And it's one more day up in the canyon  
And it's one more night in Hollywood  
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean... I guess I should_**

Author's Note 2: Let me know if I should continue or leave it as a one shot, please.


	2. January 1, 1980

_Maybe this year will be better..._

Author's Note: I think I know what I'm going to do with this fic, but I'm not entirely sure. I'd love feedback, comments, suggestions. I genuinely appreciate all reviewers who motivated me to take it beyond a one shot. I sincerely hope you enjoy! Thanks!!!!

Disclaimer: Not mine.

_January 1st, 1980_

* * *

It was late morning. 

Steven Hyde had been living there long enough to determine the time of day simply by the sounds going on in the Forman household. He noted that there were several more sets of footsteps than there were residents of the home, which wasn't uncommon between the hours of 10am - 2am, and most of the noise seemed to be lingering in the kitchen. That wasn't a surprise either, it really was the heart of it all. The basement, of course, was their sanctuary; the place where the outside world could not get to them, for on that couch, in front of that tiny tv, enclosed in their circle, the rest of the world simply did not exist. But Mrs. Forman's kitchen, that was where the heart beat; she didn't dismiss the pains of the real world, she just healed them.

Or at least she tried to.

He'd been awake for hours, since long before any noises could be heard above him. In fact he wasn't entirely certain he'd slept at all. But as he heard the muffled boughts of laughter he tried to pick out the individual voices of his friends, his family.

He heard Donna's love laugh. The one she couldn't help but unleash whenever Eric was near. It was full of delight, and would roll out of her, barely controllable. No one else could make her laugh like that. Not himself, not Kasey, and definitely not Randy. He smiled slightly, comforted, because that laugh meant his best friend was really home.

He heard the guffaw of Kelso. Big and boisterous and proof that the lovable moron enjoyed the simplest things in life. Laughter burst forth from him, forceful and loud, and it was nothing if not contagious. It was fun and free, just like the man it came from, and despite himself, Hyde shook his head lovingly as the laugh was followed by a clang, a bang, and a yelp. And then there was an even louder guffaw.

He could hear the tumbling chuckle of Fez, blending slightly with the unique higher pitched snorting chortles of Kitty Forman. And he might have been imagining it, but he could hear, ever so slightly, the cute, girlish giggles of Jackie...the sweet laugh she only used when she was truly happy. It was quieter than one might expect from the generally loud ex-cheerleader, and he loved that he knew exactly how it sounded and exactly what it meant. He loved that for a few years he'd been lucky enough to revel in it everyday.

But suddenly he didn't want to think about that. Suddenly he remembered that while they were up there laughing, he lay here, alone, in his narrow cot, and in his saddened mind their laughs all blurred and faded.

He'd been reduced to a sap. And a miserable, lonely one at that.

He sighed loudly, slowly, as he pushed his unrested body out of bed. Pulling on a t-shirt and reaching for his shades, he couldn't fight the inward groan of dread before he made his way to join them all upstairs. So far, 1980 didn't feel any different, let alone any better.

* * *

There was barely any room for him around the Forman's kitchen table. Apparently, Eric's return had reminded them all where their real home was. As Kitty bustled around, spontaneously smiling and laughing for no reason, and putting together plate after plate of food, she stopped when she saw him and kissed him lovingly on the cheek as she sang him good morning. He smiled to know she was so happy. 

Laurie had returned as well, and while he knew it probably had more to do with low funds or lack of boyfriends than the holiday, or her brother, she seemed to be contributing to his surrogate mother's good mood and so he couldn't begrudge her presence...yet.

Red was in his chair, paper open upon his lap, and while he rarely look up from it's pages, Hyde noticed his expression was softer than normal.

The rest of the usual suspects, Kelso, Fez, Jackie, Bob, were scattered on stools and in chairs, Donna nestled so close to Eric he wondered if his friend could breathe. He tried to not let jealous eyes linger on Jackie in Fez's lap as he joined them and grumbled for Kelso to move out of his seat.

"So what are you kid's going to do today? To start the new year off right?" Kitty asked them, her voice pure joy, as she set down a large plate of breakfast in front of him.

"You know what would really be fun?" Red asked flatly, not looking up from the sports section, "Getting out of my house. You know, before I have to give you all some New Year's Foot in the Ass."

Hyde turned to his best friend and watched as a smile slipped across his face. "You know, Dad. I really did miss you."

And if Hyde didn't know any better, he would have thought he heard some happiness in Red's voice when he replied,"Stop being weird."

As he shoveled in the warm eggs, fried with love, Hyde listened as his friends laid out their plan for the day.

"Let's go ice skating."

"Let's go sledding."

"Let's go shopping."

"Jackie, we are not shopping today."

"It wouldn't hurt you to dress a little less like a lumberjack now that Eric's back home, _Don-na_."

Hyde watched the girls' scowls fade into shared small smiles...both relieved to find themselves finally back to normal.

And he was almost surprised at his own voice as, before he could stop himself, he smirked in his classic fashion and said, "I've got an idea."

Twenty minutes later, with excuses made to Mrs. Forman and Red, he found himself in the first truly complete circle in months...all six of them, together in the fog. And if he closed his eyes it really felt good again. The excited voices, the fits of laughter, the clouded haze that blocked out everything else. And he was momentarily genuinely glad he'd thought of it. Kelso was talking about being really, really good looking. Donna and Eric couldn't stop smiling at eachother. First because Donna commented on how huge her hands were. Then because Eric commented that he freaking loved her huge hands. But then he looked to his right. Jackie draped across Fez. He wasn't whining about needs. She wasn't whining about anything. And Hyde took a large hit to distract from the sharp twist in his gut, telling himself dwelling on past pains was no way to start a new year.

He made a great effort to focus on Kelso's questions about Africa, even going so far in the charade as to comment himself and throw out a few burns. But as the circle began to break apart, and they all took their usual seats, Hyde felt no more high than he had at the start, and he suspected Eric saw right through him.

* * *

He was stalling in front of the fridge. No one was in the kitchen, but it looked better if he were to be caught to appear to be scrounging for food rather than just sitting at the table, alone and pouting. He closed his eyes and relished the feeling of cool air seeping around him, it made him shiver and he liked to react to something so effortlessly, so easily. Nothing else seemed easy anymore. He doubted any one realized it'd been ten minutes since he'd left the basement for "a snack." He doubted any one really heard him leave. And sadly, his suspicions were confirmed when Jackie looked genuinely surprised to see him standing between her and refrigerator. 

"Oh, sorry." She apologized quickly, quietly, as if she'd just stumbled into his private sanctuary. Her eyes seemed fearful of whatever snarling and hurtful grunt she assumed he'd send her way. And he truly hated that he'd reduced them to this. Whether anyone would ever believe it or not, he'd honestly never intended to. He just didn't know how else to be. All their lives he'd either burned her or kissed her, and when one became out of the question he'd relied solely on the other.

"No need to be sorry, I was just looking." He was careful not to say anything mean; or anything that would indicate how badly he missed her. He stepped back, and kept his face as blank as he could. She mumbled a small thanks, and smiled at him without looking to his eyes, and pulled herself out a coke and then made her way to the brownies on the counter. He didn't move, afraid of the awkwardness if he found himself in her way again, and he almost held his breath, simultaneously hoping she'd just go back down the basement, and never leave his side again.

Still without making any eye contact, she asked, "So, Steven, what are your plans for 1980?"

He thought he could still hear the layer of her voice that cared about where he'd go and what'd he do, but he assumed it was just his imagination and that she was just being polite.

"Run the store, I guess. As best as I can. Maybe get my own place, an apartment or something." He swallowed hard. Why did his voice sound so strange. "You?"

"I don't know. School, maybe."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Donna's going. It's probably a good idea, and if I do it now, at least I won't have to do it alone."

He nodded, mostly to have something to do. He could understand being nervous about starting college all by oneself, but had no idea why she was always so afraid to do or be anything on her own. Didn't she know she could do anything?

There was another awkward pause, her eyes refusing to settle near him, his eyes refusting to go anywhere else. And then without another word she made her way back to the basement door. Not hearing Hyde's heavy exhilation of breath, and very sincere whisper. "I miss you."

* * *

The rest of the afternoon had passed uneventfully. He'd laughed some, although it was rather half-hearted. He'd talked some, although it rarely said anything real at all. And somehow he made it through a New Year's Family (plus all their misfit friends) Dinner without Kitty ever asking why he looked so sad. 

He was standing in the kitchen now, leaning against the counter with a beer in his hand, smirking slightly at the crap Donna was giving Eric for insisting on wearing rubber gloves while doing the dishes. Then he heard it, they all heard it, and everyone stopped to listen.

"No, Fez. I can't just stay here and wait for something to happen." Jackie's voice had risen, carrying through the door to the living room, and Hyde's ears perked up at how strong she sounded.

"But Jackie, I do not want to move to Madison. I like my job. I like it here."

"I never said you had to come with me."

"I do not understand, my goddess."

"I think we should take things slow. And I know I need to go. We'll see eachother weekends, breaks, special occasions. But I'm leaving, whether you understand or not." The front door shut. Fez's whimpering started and Donna and Eric went out to comfort him.

Hyde stood, alone again, and gulped down his beer. Jackie was leaving? This year was definitely doomed...

* * *

AN2: Please, please, please, please please review! You'll get all my love and gratitude, & it only takes a moment! 


End file.
